It is so easy to have warm and fuzzy feelings for darling animals, darling children, darling grandchildren. But our own “little ones” – the younger “parts” of ourselves who still hold the childhood experiences of abuse, rejection, neglect – often these parts get so little of these warm compassionate feelings. Instead, the psyche’s unconscious strategy when difficult emotions like fear or sadness arise is to shame, scold or try to jolly ourselves out of those feelings. Change those emotions by rejecting them! And we all know how well that works (as Carl Jung said, "What we resist, persists!"). Change happens best (maybe only?) from a place of safety. Scolding and shaming induces hiding because we don’t feel safe, even with ourselves. Shaming guarantees more of the same stuckness. Compassion induces transformation – a relaxing of the fear, the grief, the hiding (all natural responses to abandonment) as these emotions are witnessed and held tenderly.
So. How to do this?
There are so many ways to show this kind of compassion to ourselves, but one simple way is to write a letter to your younger version of yourself from the perspective of your present-day Nurturing Self. Imagine yourself as a wise, loving adult, with a big heart full of care and tenderness, writing to a version of you who’s still finding their way in the world. Here’s how to approach it:
Get Comfortable and Reflect: Find a cozy spot where you can be alone with your thoughts for at least 15 minutes. Take a few deep breaths. Close your eyes if it helps. Picture someone for whom it's so easy to have compassion - maybe it’s your child, or grandchild, or even a pet or neighbourhood child. Imagine them in their most tender moment of need and feel the warmth that arises in you. Really feel it, in your body. Maybe it feels warm in your chest. Maybe there’s an ache in your heart or your throat feels raw and you notice your eyes crinkle – this is your compassionate Nurturing Self. Draw upon your innate capacity for nurture as you turn toward your younger self.
Choose a Specific Age or Time: This isn’t a generic letter. Pick a specific moment in time, maybe an age when life felt tough and you felt sad or small or even terrified. Be clear in your mind about how old you were, so you can speak directly to that part of you. Was it your teenage years? Your childhood? Or maybe it is a recent experience where this younger part of yourself ‘showed up’ with the historic sense of abandonment. The clarity will help you focus your words.
Speak to Them as You Would a Beloved Friend or Child: Use gentle, nurturing language—like you’re holding a dear friend’s or a dear child’s hand and guiding them. Use the word "you" as if you’re speaking to that younger version of yourself in the present. Offer words of comfort, love, and understanding, just like you would if they were sitting in front of you, looking for reassurance. Use terms of endearment if that feels natural (Oh, honey, I see you…)
Acknowledge Their Pain and Struggles: Don’t shy away from their fears or hurt. Validate what they were feeling, and let them know it’s okay to experience pain. It’s part of the journey. Be ready for tears or anger or a sense of collapse if they come and just let them rise and fall without a story. In other words, just feel the sensations of the emotions (hotness of the tears, ache in your chest, etc) without attaching a story to the experience (“and it was all my fault” or “this proved I’m unloveable”). You're providing a space for the orignial feelings to rise and fall without judgement.
Be Kind and Gentle: Don’t scold or criticize. This isn’t about fixing or lecturing—it’s about offering compassion and understanding. Imagine you’re wrapping your younger self in a warm blanket of kindness. Speak to them like you would speak to a child who needs comfort.
Offer Encouragement and Hope: Let them know that no matter what, they are loved, they are worthy, and they are enough. Let them know (and this is counter-intuitive!) that they can be the way they are as long as they need to be and you’ll keep coming to them as the nurturing, loving adult who is bigger than them and able to handle whatever triggered them.
Close With Love and Tenderness: Finish the letter with something heartfelt. Tell them you are proud of them. Tell them you love them. Offer them the experience of unconditional love they didn’t experience in the past. And then return to that sense of your own wholeness, your own capacity to nurture this part of you without becoming merged with the hopelessness or sadness this part holds. You are bigger and wiser than this part. That’s why you can hold it so tenderly. That’s why you can keep coming back to this part of you with compassion and nurture, as long as it needs you to.
When you’re done, take a moment to really sit with it. Read it through with love and grace, and know that in this simple act, you are giving yourself the compassion and healing you deserve.
And…if this exercise is hard, that’s okay. Maybe the parts of you that had to get numb, or angry, or perfectionistic to survive are throwing a little fit. That’s okay. You can write a letter to them instead! Let them know you see how hard they’ve worked to protect you. They have been your most loyal protectors, making sure the little ones who experienced so much pain survived. You can nurture them too and thank them for their good intentions of helping you get through hard times!
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